My to do list never seems to end and I often find myself pushing art making to the very end. I haven't painted for a few weeks and I finally could not contain the creative energy that was building up. It felt like an intensifying itch in my heart. Despite the many things I needed to do, I sat myself down with a blank canvas and tubes of paint and released the need to create.
The painting above was the end result. I'm not quite sure if it's done or not. I feel like adding some more things to it but I'm not sure yet, so it'll probably just sit around for awhile until an idea sparks. Or perhaps it will sit around and simply stay the way it is.
When I decided that I wanted to paint something I had no idea what to paint. Then a certain image and feeling came to me and I quickly did a Google image search, didn't really find what I wanted to capture, and just went for it. My still-developing technical abilities and impatience kept me from capturing exactly what I felt but I'd say this painting is roughly what I was feeling inside.
Originally, the woman was not wearing an elegant dress. I was picturing something more raw and torn, like a female Tarzan type outfit. But it wasn't working the way I imagined and so it transformed into the formal dress that it is.
I'm not sure what I had in mind when I painted the splotches of color that surround the figure. It was simply a feeling I was trying to capture. I don't know if it was successful or not. I experimented with a few layers of colors because I couldn't decide what colors captured my feelings.
I painted this at night right before going to bed so I set it on a chair beside my bed, unsure if it was successful in representing what I felt inside. I would give it time, like many other things in life. Similar to taking a day or two break from an essay to gain objectivity before going back to make improvements, art work requires time away as well. One thing was certain though, it felt good to finally brush on layers of colorful paint on the canvas. I felt cleansed by expressing myself.
As I went through the next day, I occasionally glanced over at the painting, still full of indecision. Did I like it? I don't know. Do I want to add to it? Still don't know. But as I looked at it again before going to bed the next day, I was struck by a realization- this painting is a reflection of me...I am that woman in red...
***
I have always had an interest in social justice but recently I have made more time to read about it and become more aware of the injustices and suffering that goes on in the world. Especially after having gone to a third world country earlier in the year, I cannot allow myself to be deceived by what my eyes see around me, a world of plenty, a lifestyle of wealth and ample material possessions.
Watching news on TV, reading about tragedies around the world on my iphone news app, my eyes are openening to the heartache that the world experiences daily- broken hearted parents in India mourning over their elementary school aged children who died from spoiled food provided by the school from an organization that wanted to ensure these children receive at least one meal a day, a devastating train wreck in Spain that killed 78 people, social unrest throughout the world, a doctor killing his wife by poisoning her with cyanide, the list goes on and on.
When I was creating the painting, I was not trying to express darkness or sorrow. In fact, in reflecting back I think I wanted to capture a sense of rawness, honesty, and something hopeful. The splotches of color were originally green and blue. I didn't like how it looked though so I went over it with a dark purple, perhaps to give it more of a regal feeling since the dress ended up being an elegant style.
***
As I looked again at this painting before going to bed the next day, I felt as if someone else had painted it and I was looking at it as an outsider. I was taken aback by how the darkness surrounding the figure accurately portrayed my experience of seeing more of the brokenness in our world. I almost felt like I was looking into a mirror. I am the woman and the sorrowful dark colors surround me the way my heart is burdened by the pain in this world. Words I had read that day in a book about art therapy drifted to mind.
"...art expressions can also change meanings over time. That is, if you look at a drawing or painting several weeks from now, you may see new aspects and have new reactions and responses to what you see. This is part of the magic of art but also part of its mystery when it comes to establishing a singular meaning for a drawing, painting, or sculpture." (Malchiodi, Cathy A. (2007) The Art Therapy Sourcebook. U.S.A.: McGraw-Hill.)
Thanks for reading and being a part of this journey :)
-M
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